you say i taught you to be honest about what you feel -- well this is the other lesson -- that it seldom pays off -- it just is, like love, what we are compelled into -- and what we will do again and again (what's the rilke?)

i do resent, however, being pressured into being alright -- into getting my act together so that you can feel better about this -- into being the one to pick up the pieces --

(now comes anger, resentment, bitterness. you made me a CD with beck saying he was tired of fighting a lost cause. i am not a fucking lost cause.)