about 1.30 a.m.

why do countries matter, anyway? the things we care about tend to be precisely those things not chosen -- family, country -- i'd say love, too --

hell does this all matter. we go home, we do our jobs, and forces larger than us will determine the direction of our country -- of the country we call ours -- it doesn't take much does it. our parents were the first generation born in singapore, and they call it home, cos they've known no other. some of our grandparents do, some think of china/wherever as home. people adapt quickly, don't they? one's tempted to make facile psychological/pathological assumptions, that people need homes/some place to call a home, that they form attachments quickly, and all the rest of it. and then we say that this is how it has always been; that we have always called this home; that there is some bond deeper than -- oh hell. didn't heidegger say that what was specifically human wasn't our ability to reason but our ability to turn instinct into art? all animals have to eat but we have gourmet cuisine. all animals live somewhere; we love our homes.

somewhere somehow i give a damn about all this. or i did.

i wrote to you that this has been a year of letting go. things, people, dreams, ambitions, memories, loves, ideals, principles -- cos i betrayed them or realized i didn't care enough for them or both. strange how one only realizes how much one actually cares after betrayal. like winterson says: why is the measure of love loss? or, less poetically, wtf is wrong with people? -- or perhaps one shouldn't generalize one's sins. wtf is wrong with me. -- do you remember the sandman toast? to old gods, absent friends, lost loves, and the season of mists. and may each of us always give the devil his due. -- either you didn't like the last bit as much, or, more accurately i think, thought it would upset people if i proposed it as a toast. but why not, after all? if one sells one's soul (we don't really believe in souls anymore, do we, in this cynical age?), i suppose one should know the price. geez talk about a cheap metaphor.